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A Valentine's Day Guide for Singletons

By Allison Parks

From "Fatal Attraction" copyright 1987 Paramount Pictures.

Another Valentine's Day is approaching and you find yourself alone. Frankly I'm not surprised. You are pretty un-datable. That brown tooth, that argyle crop top, the way your hair comes to a point, it all screams:  don't date me! So now the three dollar question is: how will you spend the sacred day of romantic love?  Drunk, purple, dead on a toilet seat? Crying into a plate of ribs? Absolutely not! Seize the day!

Rule #1: Quit feeling sorry for yourself.

You could be living in Africa where you would be pregnant, beanless*, AIDS-ridden, and forced to make shadoobies in the wilderness.  Do you really think it's fair to complain about being single when there are poor beanless bitches in The Bush? You live in America, dammit! Where morning after pills rain down upon us, toilets are plentiful, and there are no devious tribesmen chasing after you with a dagger trying to slice off your bean. Just because you don't have a significant other doesn't mean you can't enjoy this ancient festive holiday.

The origins of Valentine's Day date back to the High Middle Ages when there lived two dudes named Valentine. Some historical scrools got mixed up and somehow Valentine's Day became the holiday of romance. Two hundred years ago it was customary for two lovers to write each other Valentines to express their repressed horny feelings for one another. In today's culture the male begrudgingly purchases gifts, a meal, and roses wrapped in tin foil from a Mexican vendor alongside the highway for the female with whom he has been bumping uglies.

You, as a contemporary singleton, can still participate by sending Valentines to your friends, pets, parents, neighborhood bums, and heartthrob celebrities like Larry King.  You can also buy flowers on the side of the highway for yourself and enjoy an ego boost while the Mexican flower vendor leers at your teets.

After you've done those fun things, it's time for...

Rule #2: Throw a clam bake!

A clam bake is an enjoyable gathering in which only clams (women) are invited. Homos, of course, are invited too. Straight men are seldom allowed; only when they are not attempting to bang any of the clams in attendance. Basically, couples are forbidden.

When the guests arrive, remember not to poison the evening with your unrelenting bitterness. Please do not utter the words "Valentine's Day is just a stupid commercial holiday"—this will only annoy your guests. Your desperation for love is completely transparent and you certainly would not be complaining about commercialism if you had a dreamy beaux taking you out. Furthermore, commercialism is a wonderful thing. If it didn't exist, how would you know when to buy shit for people? How would you know to wear green, get shitfaced and celebrate trolls? Or when to color eggs and celebrate rabbits and Jesus's death? Santa was born out of commercialism, do you hate Santa?

Next on the agenda, your group, clad in head-to-toe red and pink, should head out to a magnificent restaurant. While devouring your scrumptious supper you'll be drunk, laughing, flashing a boob to a friend, simply having a delicious time! Now look around at the romantic couples. What do you see? Hand holding? Dreamy gazes into each other's eyes? Sloppy makeout-seshes?

No. You see pairs of people bored as all ass, having run out of things to say to one another. Each person is blankly gazing at the other, wishfully imagining them in a casket. They are bored to tears; you on the other hand are having a gas amongst your clams and gays.

Now that supper is over, you're full of food, joy and booze! It's time to grab ahold of some 3D glasses and see My Bloody Valentine 3D. It's like a normal horror movie, but better because three-dimensional limbs fly out of the screen!

Activities you will want to steer clear from include the following: stalking, drunk dialing, drunk texting, drunk emailing, sobbing, interrupting an ex's dinner date, fellating an inappropriate suitor, and/or hanging an ex's pet alongside a menacing note written in blood.

Remember, it is much better to be single than to be staring across the dinner table and hoping for your date to choke. Enjoy your clam bake and your bean and quit bitching.

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